Power

Not really sure exactly what to say. I am not a 'holy' person. In fact, I am struggling a great deal. Realizing that salvation is an inside job. You can't just read the Bible in the morning and then go to work then come home and everything be ok. I need to figure this out. Stuff is not working right. In the past I have looked back on times such as this and realized God was doing something I wasn't aware of. It is uncomfortable. I don't like it. I want to run. Don't get me wrong, my work and school are doing fine. It's my personal life. It's my marriage. It's my parenting. It's me. The me when I am not performing. The me who can't hide behind tasks. I have gained 60 pounds in the last two years. This is depressing. I don't take care of myself. Oh my brain is exploding because I am an information junkie. I take care of others and ensure they are given the tools to bloom. Trying to please others and perform. perform-read-write-listen-stuff-perform-write-explain-read-write-perform. It is quite possible I am missing the point. I know God left the 99 and went after me. Went after me in ways only he would or could. I am really at a loss. Knowing that somehow in the midst of this I am doing what he wants me to do everyday. So, I'm not perfect.

Colossians 1:9-13

9 For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives 10 so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11 being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, 12 and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. 13 For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves,

What does this mean?
It means someone is praying for me. It means the Spirit is mine and available to me. The Spirit can fill me. The Spirit enables me to live a worthy life. It means I am bearing fruit. It means I am growing in the knowledge of God. It means I have endurance and patience and can give thanks to God who qualified me. It means I am saved and brought into his kingdom.

What will I do?
I will walk. I will walk it out. I will walk and not grow weary today. I have it in my head that today is going to suck becuase of a few people who are not 'blooming' in Hillcrest. They are at the end of their rope and attempted suicide two nights ago. There are also people who are moving in and desperately trying to stay clean. Desperately trying to hold it together for their future. People who are broken. Very broken. I will be filled with power and serve them.

Got in a huge 14 year old fight last night and think I lost. I don't know how to be a parent. It sucks. We both shared earlier this week that we want to be close to each other. Trying to figure out the fine line between parenting and sharing. 14 year old have it hard today. I know I thought I had it all figured out when I was 14 years old. I can only imagine how strong that feeling is with google at your 14 year old fingertips. ugh.